A range of thoughts, re-examining my life.

This is depressing. I never thought I'd be so tired and uninspired, studying something that I like. But it's not the schoolwork; that is manageable. The lifestyle and pressures are what is depressing. Everyone is so busy, including myself, that it is impossible to have a good time anymore. Friends are superficial... or at least too busy to be friends. Looking into the near future, I see nothing exciting to look forward to. Why? Why do I not have plans to travel, to do something new, see something different? I'm on the verge of labeling myself a "failure" in social relations.

But let's isolate the problems of the present first, if that is even possible. Work is dull. Half my courses are uninteresting, not what I signed up for. Well at least half of it is; but I'm a pessimist ain't I? But it is manageable. I can finish my work in a few hours every week, leaving some free time to relax, do what I enjoy. If only... if only there weren't internship applications to worry about. Every waking moment of the past few months, any second that is unproductive is a crime, because it could have been used to further your job prospects. Read books, newspapers, company websites; update your CV, answer competency questions, look up more opportunities. This is fucking depressing. It should not be. I am tempted to stop giving a damned about it all, and just cruise in a simple job that I know I am overqualified for. That is the problem, isn't it? We must always be the best we can: why? Or why not? Will I regret it if I didn't put in my all? Sadly, I probably would, and that is why everyone is working their ass off, sleeping 3 hours a night, spending every second thinking about jobs. Do I really want it that much?

Time is precious. We all know that time is irrecoverable; once a day has passed, no amount of money will buy it back. Our lives are short. So what do I want with it? On the one hand, I want to be doing something extraordinary. But on the other, I do not see the problem with just enjoying myself. If I am truly enjoying myself, does it matter what I have accomplished in life? Or will I again, REGRET that I had not done this, or that, or that, when I was younger? And in worrying about regrets, am I being too cruel to my current, present self, in always thinking about the best for my future self?

I never have answers to these questions. I don't think answers exist. I have to decide.

Everyone hooking up left and right, leaving behind their sad loner friends... But I will wait, wait for the one I can share my life with. As we learn in search theory, the most expensive goods require the most number of searches!

Paramore - The Only Exception



And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I forgot to bring my personal diary over! Now I've no where as effective to vent my frustrations and pen down my feelings =( Somehow it feels better to write in a notepad than on foolscap, or on a blog.

Why am I good at nothing?

I do not try hard enough.

So many of my peers are really good. Better than me in every field that matters. How do they do it? What does it take? Am I willing to sacrifice my comfort to attain such mastery?

I did not know how globalised the world is until I met the people at Hughes Parry Hall.

A Hong Konger who studied in the UK for 2 years, with both parents from Singapore.
A Beijing-er studying in the US, at LSE for a year of General Course.
Another Beijing-er, born in Singapore, who studied at an international school in Beijing.
Two Singaporeans born in Hong Kong (including me).
Two PRCs who studied in Singapore.
A PRC who studied in the US, at LSE for his Masters.
A Hong Konger born, and grew up, in Britain.

All East Asians! Other than them, I've met a French, a Swede, 3 Brits, an American, a Pakistani, an Indian, and lots of Singaporeans and Hong Kongers!